By Robert Mynatt
You go into the office with anal beads, you know, shoved up there. Someone starts talking about spread sheets, then quotas to be met next quarter, then what the color for the company's summer picnic invitations should be, then an argumentative, point-by-point run down of the marketing advantages of using this software over another, all of which you're drowning out because there are anal beads shoved up your ass and the only thing you can think of is a). does anybody notice you squirming in your seat and b). would Joelle from accounting date a guy who recreationally shoves anal beads up his ass. It's a microscopic feeling, in which you become suddenly more aware during business meetings.
But I mostly use anal beads as a way to keep myself awake in the 9-to-5 after long nights of speculating investments, i.e. a promiscuous and, I believe, precocious love life, and leveraging resources, i.e. drinking enough to ensure my liver won't recover for at least several years. I came into work one too many times late, tired, sore, or all of the above, and my boss has yet to see the advantages of his employees climbing the social ladder at clubs and bars, but I think he'll come around.
One morning, after a night of after-hour accrued collateral interest, I went to take my standard five-hour energy shot when all of a sudden this naked Korean investor in my bed says, 'Those are so unhealthy for you. You might as well just stick anal beads up your rectum to stay awake.' I know she meant it as a joke, but I thought it might be a sign to experiment with my portfolio in expanding methods to wake me up.
So she hands me this string of what I imagine is a five-foot-long, neon-blue, polyurethane anal beads, which I promptly used to shove up my sphincter. Before you know it, I'm wide awake and bushy tail, ready for the most brutal and bloody hostile corporate takeovers.
I must warn you, for those who might want to try it, there will be a little bit of blood, you know, the first time. Real standard, nothing to go to the doctor or anything serious like. The blood goes away after awhile; you just need to optimize your seating position and adapt. Trust me, there are probably only five different positions you can put your buttocks in without those anal beads irritating the shit (literally) right out of you.
The only down side is that each time you put the beads up there, well, it expands your rectum, and eventually it doesn't keep you awake. No, you have to keep increasing the size for optimal efficiency. I've acquired a tolerance to the anal beads. I can no longer stay awake at the office without anal beads, but I think I've gotten to the point where regular beads just don't work anymore. I've had to upgrade about five times, and now I use beads that are almost as big as the circumference of the rim of a coffee mug.
I read an article about goldfish being able to survive in the anus of sturgeons for five weeks, so I think I might go to the pet store and buy me one. I'll let you know how it goes.
Bio: Robert is a college student. His friends nicknamed him Mumbles because he never learned how to annunciate.