Friday, March 16, 2012

Gran Torino Canyon: A Story About Flipping Off The Earth

By Jack Rousseau

        Every news channel is broadcasting a high speed pursuit. In the air, several police helicopter compete with just as many network helicopters – one piloted by Jane Fonda, another piloted by Robert Duvall. From the helicopter piloted by Jane Fonda, Michael Douglas steadies a camera.
       Jane Fonda looks back and shouts, “Get the shot!”
      “I got the shot! Keep your eyes on the sky!” Michael Douglas shouts back.
Jane Fonda looks back in time to see a helicopter piloted by William Hurt. The helicopters are on a collision course. Michael Douglas stands behind Jane Fonda, grips her seat.
        “Pull back! Pull back!” he shouts.
        “I’m trying!” she shouts.
        But it is too late for both of them. Robert Duvall watches from the window of his helicopter as Jane Fonda and William Hurt collide, creating a low-budget explosion.
       “That’s gotta hurt!” Robert Duvall says, looking at Francis Ford Coppola seated in the back. “Get it? That’s gotta hurt, like William Hurt!”
      Robert Duvall laughs. Francis Ford Coppola shakes his head.
     “You leave the writing to me,” Francis Ford Coppola says.
      Below, a hundred or more police cars are in pursuit of a Gran Torino driven by Clint Eastwood. Police want to open fire on the vehicle, but they have been advised against it. Apparently Clint Eastwood has taken a hostage: singer Susan Boyle from Britain’s Got Talent.
       “Pull over the car, Clint Eastwood,” Susan Boyle says. “We can talk to the police, make a deal.”
      “There’s nothing to talk about, Susan Boyle,” Clint Eastwood says, hitting the gas and accelerating faster than the police can keep up. Everybody knows Gran Torino is the fastest car, the fastest thing on Earth.
        Clint Eastwood nods at the camera and fulfils his endorsement agreement with Ford. “Ford Gran Torino” appears in bold letter on Clint Eastwood’s face. Ford pays him off with Nazi gold.
        Susan Boyle opens her mouth. Each of her teeth is decorated with a cartoon face, and each of her teeth makes a plea with Clint Eastwood to pull over. Her tongue splits in half, revealing another set of teeth, each with a cartoon face.
       “I’m not pulling over, not for you or the police,” Clint Eastwood says. “I have something to prove.”
       Clint Eastwood arrives at the Grand Canyon. But he is trapped when the police surround the area.  Howie Mandel is put in charge of negotiations.
      “Please, Clint,” says Howie Mandel. “Let’s make a deal!”
      He promises Clint Eastwood a night with the Olsen twins. Both of them.
        But the only hole Clint Eastwood wants to fill is the Grand Canyon. He uses the money from the Ford endorsement to fill the Grand Canyon with a plaster, casting the shape of the Grand Canyon. When the plaster solidifies and Clint Eastwood ejects the cast, it is in the shape of a hand flipping off.
         The police, Susan Boyle, Howie Mandel and the Olsen twins, Robert Duvall and Francis Ford Coppola are in shock and disbelief. Clint Eastwood was right all along.
        In response, Clint Eastwood flips off the Earth.
BIO: Jack Rousseau, tired of flipping off other planets, committed to a "Flip Off the Earth Day" telethon on Friday, November 13, 2012. All proceeds have been donated to a charitable organization dedicated to raising awareness about flipping off the Earth.

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