The Golden Buffalo Makes Your Dreams Come True

By Daniel Vlasaty


You try your luck when you meet a golden buffalo named Sanchez. “Rub my belly,” he tells you. “Everyone’s a winner.” You rub his belly. Nothing happens. “Hold on,” he says. He burps a few times, wet-hot burps, to release some of the built up pressure in his stomach. “Rub my belly,” he says again. “Everyone’s a winner.” You rub his belly. The golden buffalo starts to shake. His body rumbles. A giant legless grasshopper slides out of his golden asshole. The grasshopper cries when it sees you. “Mommy,” it wails in a tiny voice. “Everyone’s a winner,” Sanchez says. Scaly wings grow out of his back. He flaps them to get warmed up. “What am I supposed to do with this?” you ask him but he is already gone. The legless grasshopper wiggles on the ground, covered in gold placenta. “Mommy,” it says to you, and you know this is what you’ve always wanted.

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 Bio: Daniel Vlasaty will stab you in the fucking face...probably.