Sunday, September 25, 2011

Teacup Gallery

By Jack Rousseau

Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup arrive at the museum with reservations. The usher stops them at the entrance, his hand outstretched in the most threatening way imaginable.

Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup can attest to the threatening overtones of the usher’s outstretched hand. On a person level, Peacock experienced a small panic attack because the outstretched hand of the usher is reminiscent of the outstretched hand of Teacup’s father.

Teacup’s mother would not allow Teacup’s father to beat Teacup, so his unchecked aggression found an outlet in Teacup’s friends, Leacock and Peacock.

Unlike Peacock, Leacock suppressed the memory and experienced no panic attack when the usher stopped them with an outstretched hand, but was no less threatened.

“Gentlemen?” the usher says.

Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup meet in a group huddle. After establishing that the usher was addressing them as “Gentlemen,” they elect Teacup as their representative.

“We have a reservation,” Teacup says.

“Under what name?” the usher says.

Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup meet in a group huddle. They have forgotten the name under which they have made the reservation.

“Is it Leacock?” asks Leacock.

The usher checks the guest list.

“No, not under Leacock,” the usher says.

“Is it Peacock?” asks Peacock.

The usher checks the guest list.

“No, not under Leacock,” the usher says.

“Is it Teacup?” asks Teacup.

The usher check the guest list. Under the guest list, there is a shopping list of items the museum is in dire need of. Among the items, a teacup is present, for the museum curator is British, and it is well known that if you cut a British man he produces tea, but the first aid kit is lacking a teacup.

“Yes, here it is,” the usher says. “Follow me.”

Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup follow the usher to a table, where Picasso’s Guernica is laid out. The usher seats Leacock, Peacock, and Teacup at opposing corners of the table.

They smack their lips and rub their palms in anticipation. The usher bows and leaves them to their meal.

Leacock has terrible manners. He tries to carry on a conversation while eating, spitting paint and canvas at the others.

Peacock has a small appetite. You could say he “eats like a bird” and you would be right. He stops eating when he reaches the bull’s head and declares:

“I’m finished!”

Leacock and Teacup finish the painting in one sitting. By the end of it, they are clutching their stomachs and cursing:

“Why did we try to eat it in one sitting?”

“Picasso didn’t paint it in one sitting. Why should we try to eat it in one sitting?”

“We should have taken the rest in a goddy bag.”

Peacock laughs at the Leacock and Teacup. This is how most of their meals end.

“But we can agree it was delicious.”

“Yes, I can say without a doubt, the best painting I’ve ever tasted.”


BIO: Jack Rousseau holds a dishonourable discharge from the University of Toronto. Canadian authorities are still searching for the remains of Jack's academic aspirations. He lives and writes somewhere in Canada.

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