Monday, January 9, 2012

Ode to Jonathan Byrd’s “Jason Statham Beat Me Up”

By Eric J. Guignard

 Jason Statham beat me up, too. I was completely engrossed reading an account of how Jason Statham beat up Jonathan Byrd. I thought to myself, "No way. No way could Jason Statham beat me up. Jason Statham is from England and everyone knows the English are pussies. I would just kick Jason Statham in the nuts." But then Jason Statham walked through the doorway behind me. Jason Statham can really sneak up on a guy. Maybe Jason Statham can even read minds. I instantly regretted thinking Jason Statham was a pussy. I tired to save myself. I told Jason Statham, "There are no Milky Way bars in this household!" It didn't work. Jason Statham kicked me in the face. I saw stars. They were shaped like Jason Statham's shoe. My legs shook and I pointed a finger at Jason Statham. "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!" I said. Jason Statham bit my finger. Then Jason Statham punched me in the face. I fell down. Jason Statham stood above me. Jason Statham looked so proud, heroic really. Jason Statham smiled at me and I saw how perfect and white Jason Statham's teeth were. I felt a twang of jealousy. Jason Statham must have a really good dentist. Then my dog, Rusty, walked in. Rusty was a mean rottweiler. "Get Jason Statham's nuts!" I yelled. Jason Statham just patted Rusty on the head and Rusty sat back, wagging his tail. Jason Statham sure has a way with animals. Jason Statham turned back to me and punched me in the face again. My nose collapsed. Blood shot out and a drop splattered on Jason Statham's white teeth. I felt vindicated. Jason Statham's teeth weren't so perfect now. Then Jason Statham kicked me in the nuts. I rolled into a little ball and cried. When I got up, Jason Statham was gone. I knew though… I knew Jason Statham didn't leave empty-handed. I saw the bowl on my table. It was empty. Then I realized: Jason Statham had beaten me up and took my salad. Jason Statham must be on a diet now.
Eric J. Guignard is an award-winning author and editor in southern California. Eric J. Guignard favors fiction short stories in the genres of horror, speculative, and young adult. Eric J. Guignard is editor of the acclaimed anthology, Dark Tales of Lost Civilizations (Dark Moon Books). Eric J. Guignard also writes research and knowledge-base articles in genealogy, woodworking, and ecology. Eric J. Guignard can move mountains. Eric J. Guignard can fly.

Eric J. Guignard is married and father to an adventuresome toddler son.

Please visit Eric J. Guignard at

No comments:

Post a Comment